Making happiness my quest

My mom wrote a blog about finding happiness, and suggested listing 10 things that make me happy. Perhaps with a twinge of baby blues or the winter doldrums, this has got me thinking. What really makes me happy? Not smiley, but deep down happy. And how often do I spend my precious free time doing things that in fact do not make me happy? Like tonight. I watched several episodes of a not-so-funny sitcom while I fed my baby. (The feeding my baby was good, but why ruin it with mindless blah).

So here's my list:
-Let's see. I really like to learn. I started crying this summer when I got to go to education week. Yes, I'm a geek.
-I am happy exercising, especially with my family.
-I am happy talking with friends, especially girl friends.
-I am happy when my house is clean.
-I am happy when I am creating something...other than a baby-I'm a little grumpy sometimes when I'm pregnant.
-I am happy sitting outside, especially in the warm sun.

Didn't make it to 10, but it's a start, and I'm still working on my list. And I'm trying to do things that actually make me happy, rather than just do things that are easy... like crash in front of the tv.

I want to be happy. I'm not sad, but I want to feel more fulfilled. I am pursuing happiness, not just waiting for it to land on me. I recently reread the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, which by the way is fabulous. At the beginning of the main character's quest, he learns, When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. I believe it, too. It's the power of visualization. So to begin my happiness quest, I'm figuring out what really makes me happy, and then begin doing it. As I become more in tune with what makes me happy, I more closely follow the mission that God wants me to do here, which of course makes everybody happy.

The last couple days, I've been starting to do what makes me happy. Tonight, I took my time smiling at my baby while bathing him in the sink. I started to sew (create) a dust ruffle for a baby crib. I sat outside in the sun (even took my coat off for a little while). I ran on the treadmill and I pulled out an old Biology book and started reading it while exercising.
I know, I'm a nerd. But I will be a happy nerd.

At the risk of no one responding, I still would love to hear anyone else list of what makes them happy.

Yes, still trying

Saying yes...
Yes you can have yogurt
Yes you can have a piece of candy
Yes you can hold the baby for a minute
Yes you can watch Diego. Just not today (Does this still count?)
Yes you can go outside in the backyard and play in the snow
Yes... no, you can not have more candy (They keep asking me this!)
Yes you can give me a 5 minute foot massage. :)

YES!

Rob is a yes-man. The kids ask something and he will usually say yes. Sometimes, when he's not paying attention, I will catch an unrealistic request and ask him if he even knows what he just said yes to. I'm the opposite. I usually say no or we'll see, and then think about it before I say yes.

So as the new year begins I am trying to say Yes! to my kids. YES! Even "Yes, I can in a little bit" is better than "No, you are going to have to wait". Resist the urge to do everything my way or to prevent every mess. I want my kids to be Yes! kids... ones who will try, who will look outside the box to make things work. Heck, I want to be that kind of person.

So yesterday, I said Yes! and took my kids sledding. Sure I sat in the warm car the whole time with the baby, but my kids had a fantastic time. And I got to start a new book. Kids are happy. Mom's happy. There are perks to this Yes! thing.

The nurse who can't nurse

Here I am, my 3rd attempt at breastfeeding. I know I should have learned from my previous 2, but I still find myself sobbing at 4 in the morning because I do not have an adequate milk supply to sustain my baby. I pump. I nurse. With another child, I even took medication and tried herbal stuff to help augment my milk supply. Still never enough.

I still breastfeed, because, you know, breast is best. But I pump afterwards and supplement with a bottle of formula, too. I really don't like pumping. And I'm hoping that my 4 week old will finally be back up to his birth weight at his next Dr. visit in a couple days.

Nobody is judging me that I can't nurse exclusively. Heavens knows I've never judged ill another mom who bottle fed her baby! My husband is so supportive about whatever I do. Shoot, he has even suggested that I stop nursing just because of how stressed I get about it. So why do I beat myself up with guilt about this? Why do we do this to ourselves? Let ourselves feel inadequate, especially about things that we are trying so hard to do?

Why?

"Is it hard being a mom?"

I was at Time Out for Women a month ago and a speaker shared a hilarious experience. Her child came up and asked her if it was hard to be a mom. As she paused for a moment, contemplating how to answer ("maybe an 8 out of 10 in hardness"), her child answered. "Like, is it so hard that sometimes you wish you were a dad?"

Babies are consuming. Seriously. So while I have been consumed with feeding, soothing, changing, (and trying to find a few minutes to sleep), Rob has stepped up as Mr. Mom. Bless his heart, he is doing a great job! But there have been some funny moments. Like Rob's first day on the job when he dropped off my son to preschool with no coat. Or shoes. Or hair done (okay, that was a gimme). (Thank goodness my kids dress themselves!)

But truth be told, my Mr. Mom has been wonderful. Trying to figure out how to do housework to meet my standards. Becoming much stricter (while still being his loving, fun self) with the kids. Going to work when he was sick because he figured it was better to be sick away from the baby. Trying to still juggle big deadlines and pressure at work over conference calls and late-night emails. Handling my occasional breakdown with compassion and forgiveness. Even baking Christmas cookies with the kids tonight (I don't even do that!).

So he may not be able to remember to move the laundry to the dryer while trying to help a child do homework and cooking dinner. Most importantly, he is full of love, and is more gentle with me than I am with myself.

I am very blessed.

Welcome

12-11-10, welcome little Stephen!

He is beautiful! The birth went great, and Rob was there! Rob flew in from Minneapolis (just missing the Big storm by a day that delayed flights and left a huge hole in the roof of the Metrodome) late Friday night, and Saturday afternoon, our baby was born. My labor was only 1.5 hours, and I actually went to the hospital not because I was in labor, but because I caught my son's stomache bug and couldn't keep anything down.

Although delirious from fatigue, I just wanted to write a few thoughts.

How can I love a little being so much who can't even make eye contact with me yet? Sappy, but true.

Yesterday he started waking up and spending time looking around. The first several days, it is just eat, sleep, or cry, but last evening he started spending a half an hour here and there looking up at the world. It is amazing. Everything is new. Lights, faces, feelings, touch. Yet when I talk to him, he responds just a little... perhaps that is one thing that he remembers.

And I forgot what it actually means when you say that babies have their days and nights mixed up. How can he sleep so much during the day, and then be up so much at night! Rob's been sleeping in the living room so he can get up with the kids and get them ready for school. We figured at least one of us can get some sleep. But after having a small meltdown at dinner, I am realizing that someone needs to be me tonight. :) Thankfully I have a good husband who wants to help.