Change

I've got the changin' itch. We bought a King size mattress a couple months ago, and finally bought a big, beautiful bed that matches our other furniture. So now I want to put new pictures up, get bedding, change the drapes... you know. And I've been bugging Rob for over a year for new windows, and I have finally called and am getting bids (our windows in the back have been tinted and don't let in a lot of light :( My mom and I also keep discussing getting new drapes in the family room, too. Oh, and my daughter is also getting the itch as she discusses how she wants to paint her new room when she moves downstairs ... next year.

Well, I took down the drapes in the kitchen to see if it helped add light, and apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Rob's back specifically. Now my husband doesn't really throw fits (he is so easy-going), but he was definitely close to losing it. At first he complained how much it was going to cost him. It almost made me laugh, because I had just taken down the drapes. I hadn't even spent a dime yet. In reality, it was all about change... and of course, change entailed some work on his part. Which was especially hard when he likes things just the way they are now.

To give you an idea of the differences between us: We just visited my grandmother, and she had paint swatches out, trying to decide what color to paint one of her walls, not to mention the rooms that she had moved all around since our last visit. That's what I've inherited. And, I've never lived in a house more than 5 years my entire life. Rob's family is quite different. When they decided to repaint their house after probably 15 years... and they had the painters paint everything exactly the same as it was. They don't change things unless it's a holiday or they have to.

What I thought was so interesting, was his comment that he wouldn't really mind it if I just worked on one room every few months... just not everything at once. So funny, because it will be several months before I would get around to really changing even one room. I am still in the deciding phase.

So I bring this up only to comment how interesting are perceptions and expectations. How we can totally handle reality... it's just our perception or expectations of the future that sometimes overwhelm us. Am I making sense? We fear our expectations or perceptions of the future... the future itself comes and goes usually unjustified of all of our panic.


Speaking of expectations. We are pregnant with number 4. Yes, FOUR. If you ask Rob and I how many kids we would like to have, we would both answer "2" without a moments hesitation. We were very happy to stop at two. Really, I saw myself as a 2-kid then career mom. But when God says there are more, I'm not one to tell Him no. So with much trepidation and a lot of tears, we got pregnant with number 3 and now number 4.

I will again be honest. I was not happy to be pregnant. I hate being pregnant and this pregnancy has been very difficult on our whole family. I have had to get IVs, which only happens when you throw up a whole LOT, Rob and the kids have definitely had a lot more responsibilities, and even though I'm over half-way done, I still have a pink bucket next to my bed that still gets action. And then there is after-pregnancy: I know some people love babies... but I love working with them as a nurse and then sending them home with their parents. So the thought of pregnancy and then a new baby and then another toddler... has brought me to tears. Many times. But then it hit me, my perception of my future was what was making me anxious and depressed. Not my future reality.

For example: I have loved having my third child. He is hilarious. He continues to make me laugh every day and I have enjoyed every stage so far, even the baby stage. So while my expectation was that it was going to be hard and miserable, it hasn't been. I love it. In fact, I have been amazed at how fun it has been.

So Rob's miniature fit (okay, it wasn't even that. Sorry, dear) was a small reminder to me not to worry or fret about the future. It will come and go, usually with a lot less trouble and pain than I anticipated. And while Rob will love the house I will one day create, I will also love life that God is creating for me. Even if I am perfectly content with how it is just now.