I think it became even more of a blow to the gut when I looked around me and found that other people... even people older than me... were going through the EXACT same thing. These are good people who are following what they feel God wants them to do, and have done so all their lives. And they still come to these crossroads where they are hit by how different their lives are from what they had hoped, dreamed, or even expected.
It's all about expectations, isn't it. If my husband tells me he will be home late, I am just fine when he's late. But when I call him at 6:15 to find out where he is since we are sitting around the table waiting and he says that he hasn't left work yet (at least 35 min. away)... more difficult.
I have been reading the Bible a lot lately, and I am struck by how regular this phenomenom is. Nothing turns out how it seems. Nothing. Mary, the mother of our Lord is told by an angel that her son "shall be great...and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David: And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever..." I cannot imagine her confusion and pain when over 30 years later, she watches that Son be crucified. Can you imagine her cry to God, "You told me that he would be great! And instead he was made the lowest of all!"
I have also been reading through Genesis, and Abraham's story is another perfect example. The Lord promises him children, that they would become a great nation. He promises him the land. Well we know how long he went without any children at all, and then he didn't have a lot. Then he was forced to leave the very land he was promised because of famine. In fact, after that he feared for his life and had to pretend that he was only the brother of his wife twice! And the story is similar to Isaac and Jacob. Nothing turns out how it should. Nothing seems to end like you imagined it would in the beginning.
The only answer must be that this is not the end. Abraham and Sarah's story can not end with him dying and being buried in a cave of Machpelah, having relatively few offspring and only one with him at end. Rebekah (one of my favorite women in the Bible!) was obviously a very righteous woman, and while she lived in a culture that heavily valued motherhood and she had been promised many, she only had twin boys. And she must have died with grief in her heart, not ever seeing those two reconciled. So that cannot be the end of her story.
I am learning that submitting your will to God is not only giving up your will, but your expectations. Your understanding. This is very, very painful. And that is where hope comes in. Thank God for Hope! As Paul says in Romans, "that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. ... Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
I like how C.S. Lewis poetically captures what we have hope in, in the Last Battle, after Eustace, Lucy, Peter, and all of them learn that they are dead,
"We can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."
Isn't that beautiful? I cry every time I read that. To think that somehow my life of diapers and vomit will someday become poetry!
2 comments:
Christina, You have always brought enlightenment to any gospel subject for me. I remember thinking that when you were my visiting teacher. I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Gave me a lot to think about. I am having thoughts all the time, but they are all based on my experiences and rarely on anyone specifically in the scriptures (with the exception of Nephi). I loved reading your specific examples. Thank you. And I hope all your family feels better SOON!
Christina,
I appreciate the way you approached this topic. I think it's healthy to acknowledge these feelings we have and know that others have them too. Knowing that I'm not alone in this aspect of the human experience gives me hope.
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